Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
SF is the wild wild west man