when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.