Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Never ghost your hitman.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.