Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
#milo
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
the greatest twitter interaction
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???