Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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Are we there yet?…
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!