10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.