Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.