[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.