[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
pictures of spider-man
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook