a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards