Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
what?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
This is a bad sign
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!