Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You Might Also Like
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
This is me 🤣🤣
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.