Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”