A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
How to wake up a Beagle
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?