Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow