[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”