[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The devil.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
honestly, i need both:
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus