Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.