I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
british sex workers really pound for pound
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?