*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Actually cracking up @ this
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.