Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
britain’s three elite institutions
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube