Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours