It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me