Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.