This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀