Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.