the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY