My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
* gets mugged *
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