“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
OMG 🤣🤣
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.