“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m not stressed
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.