My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis đ
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Red Skullâs name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now Iâm in three pyramid schemes.
Iâm just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and Iâd like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: Iâm so excited to be working here. Itâs always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: Youâll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I always blame other people for my problems and itâs all your fault.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldnât trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touchĂŠ…*mouth full of fries* touchĂŠ.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasnât seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc theyâre in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. sheâs had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but thatâs annie, sheâll find it wherever she goes
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said âcouldâve got that in my 30s.â He replied âoh yea when you get old you get shorter.â
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
No Linda, I CANâT believe how early itâs getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didnât.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurtâs attention
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
What Iâve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your âgoodâ photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem