[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Follow me for more fitness tips.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.