Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
All excellent questions
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.