When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Hank is one in a melon.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins