My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
yea so i messed up lol
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what