[commercial for IKEA]
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My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I can’t stop laughing at this
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…