Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
You Might Also Like
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
stop
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Spring of Deception
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife