13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green