*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
You Might Also Like
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.