Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
This trial is so absurd 😭
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch