reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
tinder is all about the long game
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.