My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
.. do you even science?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
cyclists
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there