Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.