WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
You Might Also Like
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!