[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
You Might Also Like
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?