I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan