Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
They grow up so quick
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.