Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”