reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
You Might Also Like
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*