Are we there yet?…
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If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.